Reflections
by Aneeta Potter
Summary: Two alternative realities - two different experiences on Tarsus IV. Originally Jim is placed on the list of colonists to live, while in the universe devastated by the Narada he is chosen to die. Both will have a poignant effect on his childhood and life.


_**A/N: This story is basically a comparison of the two alternative universe in which Kirk was on Tarsus. The bold is for the alternate universe and the non-bold is for TOS. Warnings for violence and hints of child abuse. Anyway I hope you enjoy it. **_

Reflections

Live  
James Tiberius Kirk has perfect grades, with high aptitude test results. More importantly he is well behaved, and rarely acts up. He has blonde hair and blue eyes, with no history of genetic disorders in his family. His youth makes him pliable to propaganda. Conclusion: will benefit the colony in the future, and has use.

**Die  
James Tiberius Kirk has mixed grades due to poor attendance and lack of interest, but with very high aptitude test results. However he has extremely poor behaviour (including some violence). He has blonde hair and blue eyes, with no history of genetic disorders in his family. He has a history of child abuse (from stepfather) and a juvenile record for minor offences. Conclusion: may be a threat to the colony, and has little use. **

…...

Jim does not move. If he moves, everything is real. If he moves, his aunt is dead. He does not dare to look down at her body, warm against him. This way she could almost be sleeping, pressed against him. The illusion will dissipate when he sees her still chest and sightless eyes staring at the sky.

**Jim does not move. If he moves, the guard will spot him for sure. If he moves, he and Kevin are both dead. He does not dare to even breathe, because even that could give away his position. He imagines this is a game, like he used to play with his friends back in Iowa. This is just a game, if they catch him he will not die like all of those others. But the illusion he tries to conjure does not fool him. **

He wasn't supposed to come here. But he snuck over, regardless, to search for his aunt. She had forgotten to take her medication that morning, and he had wanted to give it to her. It won't help now. Nothing will help. He remembers what Kodos had said, when he was trapped outside of the barriers that had been placed around the square and unable to do anything. The governor's face had been blank, as though he didn't care about the deaths of so many… He doesn't know what to do, so he just sits. It takes him a while to realise he is crying.

**He wasn't supposed to come here. If it wasn't for Frank and the stunts he had pulled he would still be on Earth, safe. He remembers what Kodos had said, when he and all those people were trapped inside the square surrounded by barriers. The governor's face had been blank, as though he didn't care about the deaths of so many… He knows his aunt is dead, but he cannot afford to mourn her. He is lucky he was able to escape, with Kevin and a few others. He doesn't know what to do, but he cannot afford to just sit and cry (which is all he really wants to do) – there are people relying on him. **

"_The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV."_

He wonders why there are no guards around. He supposes they don't want to be here, with all the bodies. He knows he has to move, before he is caught here. He knows this was something he was not supposed to witness. He pulls himself up and leaves his aunt lying there, alone. The thought of her in this pile with so many others (his grandmother is here somewhere) makes him want to throw up again (like he did when he watched the execution). He runs home, tears in tracks on his face, runs like death itself is chasing him.

**He wonders why there are so many guards around. He supposes they are looking for him and the others who escaped. He knows he has to move, before he is caught here. He knows that they will kill him. He pulls himself up and then Kevin, who looks shell shocked. They have to get somewhere safe… he remembers the secret caves that he explored with some of his friends (he does not dwell on the fact that most of them are likely dead), and knows they are perfect. Once the kids are all informed they run, run from the death that is chasing them. **

At home he tells his uncle what has happened. The man pales and tears drip out of the corners of his eyes, but he does not make any sound. Neither of them tells his niece or nephew. His uncle warns Jim not to speak of this. The man dares not risk the lives of his children. That night food is delivered to the house along with a message that his Aunt and grandmother have been moved to a separate area of the colony in order to receive better healthcare. Without them there there's plenty of food. He tries to eat but when he does he remembers the mouths it was stolen from and retches, the food wasted.

**That night there is no food. They go to sleep hungry. Jim tries to sleep but remembers the bodies falling around him, and retches. But it is a dry heave – he has nothing to throw up, nothing to waste (except his body, which will waste away). **

The weeks pass in relative safety, but the house is silent. Kodos' forces deliver food and leaflets with promises for the future. Over time the food becomes less and less, and the leaflets more frequent. The weight begins to fall off them but they have enough to get by.

**The weeks pass in a blur of close shaves. Jim and the older kids have to go out to get food and water, but they are still hunted. Tom is killed by one of the guards when he is spotted and runs in the wrong direction. Over time the food they bring back becomes less and less (and there wasn't much to begin with). The flesh falls from their bones and he realises they are dying. **

He sneaks out at night, back into the square. The bodies have been moved, but a stench remains. Summoning his bravery he paints a message on the wall. It takes him twenty minutes, his heart pounding for every second. When he has finished he admires his handiwork for only a second, before quickly making his way home. He smiles as he thinks of the message, aimed at Kodos – to let the monster know what he has done is not right, that it will never be right. _"The revolution will never succeed". _

**He sneaks out at night, stealing food and gathering and doing anything he can just for sustenance. Some of the kids have died now, and although they have moved the bodies out of the cave and buried them, a stench somehow remains. The guilt they leave is even worse. Suddenly he has an urge to go to the square, to see where it all began. He doesn't, because the place will be crawling with guards searching for them, but the longing remains (almost as though he should be there tonight, doing something important, but he can't think why). He gathers as much as he can before heading home, that niggling feeling pulling against him. He ignores it – his kids are more important than any destiny. **

Starfleet arrive. There is a short battle as Kodos' forces resist their loss of authority. Afterwards Kirk finds out the monster has died, his body burnt beyond recognition. This gives him less comfort than he thought it would. Nothing will bring his family back. He feels somewhat empty.

**Starfleet arrive. There is a short battle as Kodos' forces resist their loss of authority. Afterwards Kirk finds out the monster has died, his body burnt beyond recognition. This gives him less comfort than he thought it would. He wanted to kill the man himself, with his bare hands. He wonders if anything will ever fill this emptiness inside him now, if he is broken forever. **

Starfleet fly them home. He spends an hour in med bay, but he is mostly fine. He is given a special diet. Eating makes him feel sick. They set everybody up with a counsellor, but the last thing he wants to do is talk. He likes Starfleet, up close. He has always wanted to join, to follow his father in his footsteps, but now he is sure this is what he wants. He wants to save people like they saved him.

**Starfleet fly them home. He spends days in med bay, emaciated and injured by tussles with guards. He hasn't eaten is so long that it makes him feel ill. They try to get him to speak to a counsellor, but he doesn't talk. He is so angry inside. He hates Starfleet. They took his father away, and then they left him on Tarsus until he was nearly dead and mostly dead inside. Why couldn't they save him?**

His parents take leave to look after him. They let him throw himself into school, glad at his ambition. His childhood resumes, bright as before. But in the night he dreams of his Aunt's body, whispering to him. And then there is the guilt – why was he chosen to live?

**His mother is not there to greet him. Frank is still in prison for the beatings he gave Jim, so the house is empty. Social services put him in a foster home, but he runs away. They bring him back, he runs away. His life becomes a cycle of foster homes and homelessness, interchanged with stretches in juvenile detention facilities. When he is sixteen he emancipates himself and starts work as a mechanic. In the night he dreams of the starving nights watching children die, whispering to him. He feels so worthless – why was he chosen to die?**

There is still an emptiness inside him. **Even sex doesn't fill it. **But when he first gets his ship, the Enterprise, **something tugs at him in a way he didn't think were possible before. **He has a home, **and a family**.

_**A/N: I hope you liked it. It was kind of a bit different and I wasn't really sure about it. Please leave me a quick review letting me know what you thought, it would really make my day. So yeah, review and I'll be happy :D**_


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